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    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
    Arlene: What the hell is that?
    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
    Arlene: Where did you get it?
    Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
    “It doesn’t matter, sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
    The pharmacist fainted.



    A young couple in excellent health was married for five years but was unable to produce any children. They attended fertility clinics but there was nothing wrong with either of them. In desperation, they decided to consult their family priest.
    “My children,” the priest began, “the Lord will listen to your prayers and I am sure you will be blessed shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome for 15 years and while I am in the Vatican, I will light a candle for you.”
    “Thank you. Thank you, Father,” said the couple.
    Before leaving, the priest promised to return and visit them.
    Fifteen years passed and the priest returned to Manila as a Bishop. While resting on his porch one morning, he remembered his promise and went to visit their home. Sounds of screaming and crying filled the air. Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. There stood the distraught wife with 15 children.
    “My dear,” said the bishop. “I wish to congratulate your husband for this miracle. Where is he?”
    “He has just left for Rome,” she said in a desperate voice.
    “Rome? Why did he go to Rome?” asked the bishop.
    “To blow out the candle you lit.”



    I saw an advertisement over and over again about a car that hugs the road at incredible speed even when taking sharp curves, so that you feel one with the car. I rushed out and bought a Mercedes C class and set off on the C5 highway, I drove at 160 kph and took a curve at that speed. Unfortunately, I lost control of the car and hit a tree. I was saved by the air bag and my seat belt but I discovered something. The Mercedes bends.



    In answer to several queries, Fred Claus is not the son of Santa Claus. He is merely a subordinate clause.



    When a baby is born, if it doesn’t cry immediately, the doctor slaps its bottom to make it breathe. When my brother was born, he was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.
    Last edited by m1911a2; 01-10-2008 at 09:16 PM. Reason: Readability
     

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